My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
