that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
