he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
