I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Congratulations! We have a period
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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