I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
