i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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