so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
