Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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