Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
