Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
