I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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