did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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