somebody snuck up and got me drunk
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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