And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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