i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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