So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
