watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
