one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Alive.
So much puke
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
