something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
