Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
