At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
