don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
