My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
