Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
