Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
