I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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