remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
