I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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