sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Randomize
