I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Randomize