I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
