Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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