If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize