For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
