Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
