he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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