I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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