The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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