Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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