surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
