Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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