You just made me feel so damn special
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
