dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
