I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
