i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
