I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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