I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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