Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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