Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
