I heard we made out
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Congratulations! We have a period
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