Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
