speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
