She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
