you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize