Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
