TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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