The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
