There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
